somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
