Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
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i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
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There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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