I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
