The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
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