Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
cat food counts as protein by the way
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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