Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
