Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
