It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize
