I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
