Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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