things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
