Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
