I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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