life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
