her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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