she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
