Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
