I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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