Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
