Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
