I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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