Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
