why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Randomize
