I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Randomize
