You're my little dorito
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
