dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Dude manswers just said that a guy can only cum up to eight times in one day. I'm gonna prove that show wrong.
ha well at least you have goals.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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