if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
