Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
