Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
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