apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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