so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
