I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
