When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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