You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
