it was like his penis was on wheels.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
