You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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