Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
