She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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