she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Do you remember whose house we're in?
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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