So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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