Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
