Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
