I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I am naked and annoyed.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Randomize
