"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
