Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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