do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
