i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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