He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
