evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
