The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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