but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
