I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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