Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
