he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
