Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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