Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
