Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
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